Rhetorical – what constitutes ‘quality of life’

My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in the fall of 2008.  It’s 2019 now and she’s in the middle stages.  It’s a long, arduous process and I have no idea when the disease will basically turn her into a vegetable.  If you met my mom and talked to her for 5 minutes you’d never know she has Alzheimer’s.  She’s funny, kind, smart, able to play scrabble and many card games, her voice inflections are correct, she can converse about almost anything! You’d notice other health issues before Alzheimer’s.  But after about 10 minutes you start the same conversation over again, and 10 minutes later again- etc….  My mom can dress herself, eat, go to the bathroom, knows what time meals are and can get there, recognizes me and her grandchildren, – all the things a person should be able to do on his/her own.  But, she has no idea how to look at a bank statement, no idea how to make a phone call, no idea where her grandchildren live (although sometimes she does know this), no idea what I’m doing for work even though we talk about it every time I’m there, no idea what keeps happening to her dentures (now she doesn’t even remember she ever had them- though she had them for at least 15 years before a few weeks ago), no idea why or even that she hoards sugar packs in her wheelchair bag.  It’s so strange!

Jump to the fact that I now work in a retirement community.  It is a fabulous place, well most of it is.  There are different levels of living, and my job has me touching every part.  I work with people in their 90s with no visible ailments! No hearing aids, no walkers -they still exercise daily and are completely independent- truly inspirational! I also work with people who need some minor assistance with daily living, but are otherwise great, and I work with people who are wheelchair bound and have no idea what is going on- and everyone in-between.  It’s fascinating to me.

One resident is completely mobile, has great conversation skills, can count, etc., but if I ask her to do 20 of something and move on to the next, and notice she’s still doing the first thing and ask what number she’s on, she’ll say 46 and she’s been counting.  She also had a #2 accident and didn’t even know it. Is that ‘quality of life’?

A few other residents are wheelchair bound and can’t carry on a cohesive conversation.  There is dialogue sometimes, but none of it makes sense to me.  Some are non-verbal.  They can’t follow directions at all.  They carry around baby dolls and fake cats that actually move and meow- both of which they talk to and I find extremely creepy. Is that ‘quality of life’?

Back to my mom.  I try not to get frustrated with her, as I know it’s the disease and not her.  But then, she’s not the same mom- that mom has been gone for quite awhile, yet sometimes there are glimpses of her, which is why this whole thing is so bizarre.  She sometimes knows she can’t remember things and questions if she’s stupid; she sees my frustration as I’m trying to be a good, understanding daughter who is slowly losing her mind having the same conversation for the 8th time in an hour, about something that is upsetting to both of us.  I know my mom never wanted this, yet here we are- with no idea of how long it will last and me knowing it will only get worse.  She’s always happy to see me and so appreciative of my time with her. I’m beyond grateful that she is happy and always recognizes me. She enjoys the treats I bring, sitting outside, and when I bring my dog (who she asks every time if he’s getting bigger, which he isn’t- if I don’t bring him she sometimes remembers I have a dog and others doesn’t).   While I don’t want to lose my mom, I actually did a while ago, and continue to lose her more day by day, which leads me to the rhetorical question:  what is ‘quality of life’?

 

So I finally saw Hamilton

A little over 3 years ago my sons turned me onto the soundtrack.  I enjoyed it, but I’m not a huge hiphop fan, so it didn’t stick.  With all the fanfare, I did really want to see it, especially after my middle son did-I love musicals !  This blog has SO many directions it could go- it could be about my childhood and how my dad introduced me to the arts and it’s been a part of my life ever since/everything my dad did for me; it could be about how creative people amaze me (not only artistic people, but also people like the person who invented dryer sheets, which I was thinking about this morning); it could be about how I’m so grateful that my children are all artsy/creative types in some way, shape, or form; it could be that people can actually make money doing what they love; it could be that it’s sad that some people can’t afford to see some live art because the ticket prices are so high (read I’d see more if I had more disposable income, as I paid $382 for the 2 tickets I did purchase); it could be that tickets that are $134 each should not end up costing $382 together when you add fees, etc.; it could be about how I’m so lucky to spend time with my grownup kids and that we have things in common that we can do together; it could be about time, which always fascinates me; it could be about my dog because I can make almost anything about my dog… the list goes on.

Instead it’s going to be about how Hamilton was pure genius.  The singing was superb, the dancing/choreography was fantastic, the orchestra was fabulous, the cast was stellar, the costumes were perfect, the scenery apropos, the lyrics told the story so well.  It was touching, entertaining, funny, sad, emotional, creative, clever, educational. Combining a few of those attributes is difficult, to encompass them all is nothing short of amazing.  I learned things I didn’t know yet I didn’t feel like I was learning.  I’m not a history buff at all, but I thoroughly enjoyed learning about Alexander Hamilton in this immersion of entertainment and education.  After the show my son and I discussed how this was such a great way to learn.  For people like me (and my kids) it is a much more effective way to learn- of course that is another topic!   So many of the things were contemporary even though the story itself is from centuries ago.  That’s the thing about the human condition.  Many things are timeless.  I’ll close by saying this was a spectacular show on SO many levels.  You’ll like it if you like music, dancing, singing, story telling, humor, politics, family, friendship, music, love, history, art, education, studying people – there is something for everyone I believe, and I bet you learn something…

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So anyway

I haven’t written anything for quite awhile.  I actually did spend a bit of time on my book not too long ago, but it gets discouraging as it was supposed to be finished 4 years ago and isn’t… but I digress.  Today’s writing is inspired by 2 things.  The first is an article I read yesterday that talked about how adults often quit their artistic hobbies because they don’t feel good at them.  The article discussed how being good at it isn’t the point, but rather the experience of creating being the point,“Lost here is the gentle pursuit of a modest competence, the doing of something just because you enjoy it, not because you are good at it”. That resonated within me. “A plethora of research studies have shown that expressing ourselves through art can help to ease a wide range of illnesses and afflictions, from anxiety and depression to dementia and cancer. More broadly, making art—be that sketching, writing poetry, dancing, or playing with clay—can make us feel happier and more relaxed, and can also help to improve our observation, motor, and problem-solving skills, as well as memory retention and hand-eye coordination.”  This, on top of seeing 3 silver saturn vues yesterday made me decide to write today…

I don’t think I’m a bad writer, but I certainly wouldn’t consider myself ‘good’.  Writing is a hobby I enjoy.  While I do hope to actually publish my book someday, that happening won’t necessarily make it good anyway, so I might as well write.  And if sharing my writing helps one person in any capacity, I’ll feel great about doing something I enjoy- just for the pure fact of enjoying, and if not- oh well- I still enjoyed the process!

I like quotes and I came across one yesterday that I’ve come across before.  For some reason it meant more yesterday.  “Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.”  We live in this non stop 24/7 available society.  We have access to more information to keep us healthier, yet we aren’t.  Our bodies are inflamed, we’re overweight, we’re anxiety ridden, we’re exhausted, we’re losing connection with others, the list goes on.  I’m guilty too.  I have a very hard time saying no to anybody about anything, even at the expense of my own health and sanity.  What I realized is that things start to go wrong when I lose sight of myself.  Life isn’t easy, and while I sometimes feel like my recent life has been a shit show, I also realize it is my own fault.  I am responsible for the choices I make- every, single, one. I compromised today- someone at work needed something at 8am, I wasn’t planning on working today so I said no to that, but when they said it could be 9 I said ok… When my mind is racing and I’m feeling like I need to say yes to everything I’m going to try to remember that if there are some days that I only breathe, it’s ok!

Being Fit and Healthy vs A Good Body

I’ve worked with young ladies my entire life, and I mean girls ages 3-18.  As a dance teacher and now personal trainer too, I enjoy working with them and hope to inspire them to be healthy, fit, kind adults!  Body image is a huge issue with females in general, and the media and constant instant information, not to mention the technology available to make everyone look amazing is taking it’s toll on females of all ages!  I’ve worked with children who are recovering from anorexia/bulemia, and have even worked with a few young women who cut themselves.  While I realize it’s much more complicated than being thin or perfect or fit or whatever the goal is, it literally breaks my heart.  Fitness is very ‘in’ again, so it seems like the perfect time to address an issue that I’ve seen as a problem for over 30 years!

It’s truly been upsetting me since my own daughter was 5 or 6.  She had a Pocahontas sweatsuit that she loved.  She’d wear it all the time, until one day she didn’t.  I realize kids go through phases with clothes, but I asked her why she didn’t want to wear it anymore.  Her answer made me sick- she said it made her look fat.  She was 5 or 6!! I’ve heard young girls say things like that all the time.  Where does it come from?

I spoke with the daughter of a husband/wife client of mine.   Right now she’s very thin.  She dances, rides her bike, plays running games at recess, etc., typical kid stuff.  I asked her why she thought exercise was important.  She said to be healthy and fit.  I asked her what that meant to her and she responded with ‘having a good body’.  She’s 11! I explained that there were many women who had ‘good bodies’ but were not healthy on the inside (where it’s most important).  I explained that being fit and having a good body weren’t mutually exclusive, and that being truly fit was much more important! Her parents work out with me because they want to be healthier, so I know that statement didn’t come from their definition…

It’s hard to be a kid these days and the media has a huge influence on what kids see and believe.  It scares me that so many kids fall prey to the diseases of cutting and bulimia and anorexia (again I’m no expert on those things, and know it runs much deeper than wanting to be thin).  All bodies are beautiful!  If having a ‘nice body’ (whatever that even means) is a result of healthy choices, fantastic! But being healthy on the inside from proper exercise is much more important! Let’s work on getting our young women to understand  and strive for that!

My Dog Hawk

This is Hawk. He’s my dog. He might be 2 or 4 or somewhere in-between. Personally I think he’s 2ish because he seems to have numerous puppy like qualities. He might be a boxer/whippet, which is what the shelter said. Many people think he’s part pitbull or hound, and someone said he looked like a Tennessee Treeing brindle. I never heard of those, so I looked it up and would agree that he must be part Tennessee Treeing brindle.

The day I went to the shelter to get a dog I was going to come home with one. Hawk (whose name was Bear at the shelter) was 1st on my list of dogs to see. But when my son, his girlfriend, and I got there we passed a room that had the cutest Brindle puppy. We asked to see her first. She was such a delight and after an hour of playing with her inside and out we decided she was the one for me. I already had named her Cubbsie! I let them know I wanted to take her and they looked up my application and said I wasn’t approved for a puppy. It was the saddest thing. But since I was getting a dog that day I asked to see Bear. He was shy and didn’t have much personality. He also had dandruff. He was bigger at 33 pounds than I wanted. In my head I wanted a dog less than 25 pounds that had fur like a schnauzer and wouldn’t shed. Obviously Bear was not any of those things. We hung out with him for awhile and he was ok. I even asked to see another dog. My son and his girlfriend hung on to Bear because if someone saw him while I was seeing the other dog I could lose him. When they brought the other dog out I didn’t even pet him. They were about to take Bear back since we didn’t seem that interested, but we said no we were taking him.

The second he got in the car his personality changed. His name was now Hawk. His tail never stopped wagging and he was such a lover! We stopped at the pet store to get his dog stuff and brought him home. He immediately raced to the couch and bounded up.

Now I have had pets my entire life. I’ve had guinea pigs, fish, hamsters, dogs, cats, a rabbit, turtles. My family had 2 of the best schnauzers ever while my kids were growing up! They were the perfect family dogs, and so loved. Hawk is my dog, and pretty much my dog only. Both my son’s (and the gf) love him and I know my daughter will too, but they don’t live with me regularly. I honestly didn’t know I could love a dog as much as I love Hawk. He is so perfect for me. He is the best cuddler, but also loves to play. He’s the fastest dog I’ve ever seen, so the dog park and walks are fun. He sleeps with me, sometimes actually under the covers with his head on the pillow. He likes to be touching everyone who is here. He has a toy box. I love when he gets toys out to play with. He makes me giggle and smile every day. People just love him and think he’s so cute (of course I completely agree)! He goes to the Petsmart Hotel and day camp when I travel and he’s a staff favorite. I don’t know if our relationship is so different from mine with my other dogs because he’s just mine, or because he’s a rescue, or what, but he is perfect for me, and whether he’s 2, 3, or 4 or a whippet, boxer, pitbull, Tennessee Treeing brindle, is completely irrelevant! He’s mine and I’m his- I’m not sure who’s luckier!

Enjoy the journey

To say 2017 was my year of change would be an understatement of the utmost magnitude.  Pretty much everything in my life changed from the way it used to be.  Some of it I was ready for (read: knew it was coming, but still not quite sure how to handle it), some I was not.  While I’m outgoing, I’m not very trusting.  I prefer to help others and have a difficult time accepting or even admitting I need help myself.  People have heard me say I’ve been doing things by myself since I was 8, and in many ways I have been.  I can talk all the time, but not very often am I actually sharing.  I’m uber sensitive and keep things inside.  It’s who I am, but I’m working on it.

For the first time in quite awhile, I’m looking forward to a New Year.  It doesn’t mean I haven’t enjoyed previous years, it just means that many unsettled things are now settled and it’s time to move forward!  I also am reminded that I have SO much to be grateful for:  my kids are healthy and happy- they make me proud on a daily basis, I am still teaching dance at the studio I started 30 years ago, I have a new career I enjoy, I have a nice place to live, I have a purple car named Jazzy with a sunroof, my mom still recognizes me in spite of her Alzheimer’s, I rescued a dog I adore, I lead a life I choose, and I have some great friends I can truly count on!  The friend thing became more important to me over the past few years.  As an only child with a dad who passed away and a mom who’s been in a nursing home for almost 10 years with Alzheimer’s, friends are pretty much my support system.  Most have been there for me, without judgment.  Many don’t even know what has gone on, yet they’re still there.  I find that amazing, and the definition of true friendship. I hope everyone appreciates the friends they have! They make life so much more fun and interesting, and less sad!

So for 2018 I’m not going to make any resolutions.  Like diets, if you mess up or don’t succeed you feel bad, and that is a waste of time and energy.  I’m going to suggest the same for you.  Let’s work the changes we want into our everyday lifestyle! This is a much more sustainable approach.  It makes a setback be only that, not a failure, and there will be setbacks.  Don’t let one bad moment ruin an otherwise good day.  Life is short, and goes by faster with each passing year.  I agree with the statements ‘happiness is a choice’ and ‘fake it till you make it’. I bought myself a bracelet, it’s sparkly which I love, as a reminder.  Cheers to 2018, and enjoy the journey!

Solo and other reasons I love my dog

So I went to a wedding solo last night for the first time ever, and I survived.  I wasn’t actually by myself because a great couple took me as their third wheel and for that I am forever grateful, but I didn’t have a + 1.  The past year I’ve done many things solo that I thought I never would, and while there have been many tears, I survived.

I always wanted a purple car.  Last year I actually bought one! I negotiated the deal by myself and ended up with a purple Chevy Spark.  I named her Jazzy.  She has a sun roof (another thing I always wanted) and rhinestone license plate holders.  She’s so “Carolyn” and that’s perfect.

I got my taxes done solo.  I didn’t actually do them myself, I had them done, but that had never been my responsibility before and now it is!

I bought home owner’s and car insurance solo.  I did the research and picked out the plan that best suited me.

I live alone for the first time in my entire life now.  For over 50 years I always lived with someone else.  It’s weird. I also purchased my own house that I live in.  I negotiated and and didn’t settle until I thought it was fair.  Another weird thing.  The day I moved in I had my bedroom painted purple.  The decorating is very eclectic.  Most people probably wouldn’t like it, but that doesn’t matter because I do.

All this leads to the 2nd part of the title… I have a dog who is just mine.  I rescued him, his name is Hawk and he is so great. I actually am pretty sure he rescued me.  I don’t really know how old he is or even what kind of dog he is, but none of that matters.  I’ve had dogs my whole life, but Hawk is different.  I adored all of my former dogs, but they were ‘family’ dogs.  I honestly didn’t know it was possible to love an animal so much.  He is the happiest, snuggliest dog ever.  He loves car rides, walks, and going places, and we have so much fun together.  He makes me smile daily.  He has a toy box and makes me giggle when he looks through it and picks out a toy to play with. Maybe one day he’ll learn to put them back?! I didn’t think it would happen, but I’ve turned into a full fledged #dogmom.  He makes me feel safe, even though he’s so friendly he’d probably be useless in a danger situation.  He loves to play, but also is totally cool with chilling and being pet. So while my life is not how I thought it would be,  I’m getting used to the new normal of doing things solo, being a solo dog owner is truly enjoyable and rewarding!  I’m going to be ok.

Broken, and other random thoughts

I want to publish a book.  I have 2 started, but haven’t worked on either for a long time now.  I wish I was one of those people who would write everyday, but I’m not.  Today’s attempt was prompted by the viewing of episode 2, season 2 of This Is Us.  Anyone who knows me will understand why.

Anyway, I’m sad today.  Not the teary, something happened sad, but the kind that makes your insides ache. Tears fall freely, and randomly, unfortunately.  There are many contributing factors for this overwhelming emotion on this particular day. The world is a scary place and all my kids are far away.  Yet it’s also an amazing, wonderful place! It’s only 11:24 am and I haven’t even started work yet.  Hopefully nothing triggers an ‘episode’ while I’m working, but I don’t know for sure and that’s ok.

‘Time goes slow, but it’s always running out’, is from the song called “Simple Song”.  I identify with lyrics often, which is one of the reasons I love music so much.  It makes me realize that I’m not alone with my feelings.  Time is a strange thing- I’ve written about it before.  Seeing one of my kids Sunday marked the longest period of time I’d ever gone without seeing any of my children.  I’m so glad that period is over!

I’m certainly not where I thought I’d be at this point of my life.  I’m most definitely broken.  On days like today I like to think about the Japanese story of how when a dish or something breaks, the cracks are filled with gold.  What some may feel was worthless and had thrown away is  now stronger and even more beautiful.  I may be broken, and even though I’m experiencing this crushing sadness, I only know that’s what it is because I’ve often experienced the other side- sheer joy and happiness, and I know I’ll experience that again- maybe even later today!  I am stronger and more beautiful. Carry on…

 

It’s been awhile…

I haven’t written anything in a while, but after reading something a friend much younger than myself wrote, and thinking about something else another younger person wrote, I’m feeling inspired.  I am most definitely not where I thought I’d be right now and I’m trying very hard to accept it and know that it’s ok.  I most definitely am a work in progress!  Writing for me is easier than talking much of the time.  It gives me time to read what I’ve written, think, and edit, which talking does not.  Once something is said it cannot be unsaid, no matter how badly you’d like it to.  It also lets you say things that if spoken you may not get out because there would be too many tears, or you’d get sidetracked.

I’m not in a position to talk about what I’m going through and I will be just fine, but I’d like people to remember the old adage about not judging someone till you’ve walked in their shoes, and the one about not knowing what another person is experiencing at any given moment.  What I will say is that everyone deserves kindness, and that should be unconditional.  Most people are always learning and trying their best.  Some days in doing so we are achieving great things, and others it is all we can do to get out of bed.  Both should be applauded.

I love the quote above because it is so eloquently true.  Life is an amazing thing.  It deserves to be celebrated  and enjoyed whenever possible.  Little victories are often more important than big ones!  I bought a car, all by myself, recently.  It’s purple and has a sunroof.  It has a purple steering wheel cover, rhinestoned lined license plate holders; and I named her “Jazzy the dance mobile”.  It’s ridiculous, silly  and all mine.  People buy cars everyday making it an ordinary thing, but to me it was absolutely exhilarating and empowering, definitely a big victory!  On the flip side, awful things do happen too, often to good people and with no fault of their own.  There are things beyond our control and no matter how badly you want something, it just may not go your way.  Life is not always fair.

My hope for this post is that somebody who reads it will make an extra effort to be kind to someone else.  Remember the quote above, and realize that at any given moment someone you love may be struggling and you may not even know it!  Don’t let stupid things affect your relationships. Give people the benefit of the doubt when you can.  Life is too short.  While happiness is a choice, it sometimes requires more effort than one can give.  Don’t give up on them!! I believe people inherently want to be happy.  If a person is struggling and the people surrounding him/her are kind, and more importantly- there, the struggle will be overcome and replaced with strength and happiness.

 

Day 10- I did it!!!

No prompt again today. I’m going to write about something I noticed after having my 2 surgeries. It is something that I’m going to try very hard to notice in my everyday life, as I think it will make me enjoy life more!

I got rear ended a few years ago. The accident wasn’t at all bad- not much damage to either car, but the way I had my foot/leg braced caused my hip to be injured. As time went on, the pain got worse and worse. I have a high pain tolerance, so I didn’t think too much of it. I’ve had very few injuries and never any surgery, so I figured it would just get better. I did physical therapy for months. Instead it got progressively worse. What bothered me the most was sitting. Car rides and hockey games were agony. When you have a 40 hour week desk job and 2 boys who play travel hockey, this is brutal. After about a year I decided to have surgery. My hip was debrided and a few bone spurs shaved down. Now I’m a person who can’t sit still for long, so not being able to walk for 2 days was really a drag, and then being on crutches for 4 weeks even more so! You don’t realize how much you use your arms during a day until you’re on crutches! It also makes you have to rely on help to do the simplest things. That was a humbling experience.

Surgery number 2 was for a torn labrum in my left shoulder. I think this was caused from overuse-most likely spotting kids in tumbling. The pain got so bad that I could barely take a shirt off over my head. While the recovery from the hip surgery went fairly quickly, the shoulder recovery was a different story. Again, I realized how often I used my non-dominant arm! For whatever reason, my arm did not want to move. Where I was months ahead with my hip recovery, I was actually behind with my shoulder. After 4 months of pt I still was nowhere near back to normal, and I was still in pain.

This leads me to the point of today’s ramblings. I honestly thought after both surgeries that I would have some pain forever. It definitely was nowhere near as bad as before the surgeries, but it was noticeable at times all the same. Here’s where it gets interesting… one day my hip just didn’t hurt anymore, and then at a different time, my shoulder didn’t either. The funny thing is, I didn’t notice the moments when they stopped hurting. One day it was like, ‘hmm, my hip does’t hurt any more when I bring my knee in’. With my shoulder it was like,’ wow, I’ve taught ballet for 3 weeks and my shoulder hasn’t bothered me.’ My point being that while I recognized the pain daily, I didn’t recognize when it didn’t hurt for quite a while. I think people tend to look for (and even expect) the bad, and in doing so we often miss the good. I’m going to try to be aware of the good in my everyday life, and not only recognize it when I notice there is no bad!