Authentic moment – 29th year

Tonight is my 29th first night of classes at the dance studio I used to own. It was mine for 20 years and now someone else owns it and I still teach there. Teaching has been the thing I’ve done the longest. My first job teaching class was dance aerobics. I taught in a huge gym at a park district. Most of the students were moms and I was 14. I made $8/hour, which was quite a bit of money back in 1978 or 79! I used to spend hours in my room choreographing fun routines and writing them down on notecards to use while teaching. It was a good job and taught me to work hard. It also was good exercise!

This year I will be teaching a cardio barre class. This didn’t exist back then, but in the ever changing culture of new types of exercise, it was developed! I take the concept of a ballet based, exercise barre class and made it my own. I’m also teaching ballet and a leaps/jumps/turns class. I think I will enjoy all of my classes this year.

I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m telling you this since my topic is an ‘authentic moment’. Well after much thought, I’m pretty sure my most authentic moment comes when I’m teaching dance. I love everything about being a dance teacher, and there is so much more to it than just teaching dance.

Teaching comes easily to me. I’m very comfortable and confident in class. I know I have things to share and I enjoy finding ways to do it. I try to connect steps and theories to life in general. While I want my students to become better dancers, I also want them to become better people and I think dance can do that. Dance is about vulnerability. Often the body is pretty exposed. There is no place to hide. A mistake can be seen from a mile away. It also can use movement to convey things that words can and cannot. It happens live, and one performance of a dance will never be seen the same again. Something will be different. The costume may be changed, the person dancing may be different, the music may be slower or faster, the stage may be a different size. And class is the same way. You can do the same combination each week, but it will never be the same for a myriad of reasons. I find this happy, cool, and even sad.

When I’m teaching I see no other way to be other than authentic. What I see, or say, or do at any given moment is just what it is. I could never teach the same class twice either, even if all of the things we do are the same. A story or a way of movement or a question asked will happen that I can’t predict, and the course of the class is altered! This is fascinating to me and what makes me authentic when I’m teaching.

Hmm…

It’s day 8 and I don’t feel like writing today.  Looked at the prompts and none of them are doing anything for me.  It’s Monday and I didn’t sleep well At ALL. I hate not sleeping well on Sunday nights because then I’m tired the whole damn week, and there’s nothing I can really do about it.  Tonight is the only night I could maybe go to bed early, so we’ll see.

It’s August 29, but in New Zealand it’s August 30, which is my daughter’s birthday.  She’s in New Zealand.  I sent her a birthday package early to make sure it got there in time.  At some point today we will Face Time so we can watch her open her gifts.  It’s better than no contact, but it’s not nearly as good as seeing her in real life.  Since 2008 she’s been gone for her birthday more times than she’s been here and that makes me sad.  Since my youngest started college we haven’t seen him on his birthday either.  I usually see my son who lives in Chicago on his birthday, but I’m sure that will change too as he’s entering a life outside of home.  I couldn’t be more proud my kids, but that fact that they don’t need me much anymore is hard to reconcile.  I guess that means we’ve done a good job parenting?

Anyway, this is nowhere near 500 words, but I’m done! I’ll take solace in the fact that I wrote at all when I didn’t feel like it!

My favorite kid

Day 7!  I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, and doing so has not disappointed.

I’m lucky enough to have wound up with 3 kids.  I had no idea what my first would be, and I didn’t care.  I wanted your standard ’10 fingers, ten toes’ baby and whether it was a boy or girl didn’t matter.  When I was pregnant the first time, I think I had one ultrasound?  Stupid that I can’t even remember- but if I did I didn’t want to know the sex anyway.  We went to the hospital with a girl name and a boy name, a green outfit and a green baby blanket.  The moment she was born we called her Aly, but named her Alyssa.  She was absolutely perfect.  She even came on her due date!

Pregnancy number 2 I was sure was a boy.  I threw up once, which I hadn’t done the first time, so I knew it was a boy.  Naming him was easy because we had 2 names the 1st time around.  I was so sure it was a boy that we didn’t even have a girl name!  This time I had 3 ultrasounds, but I didn’t want to know and the Dr. said he couldn’t tell anyway.  I wanted AJ to be a boy because we really both wanted one of each.  Plus by this time I wanted my daughter to always be able to be my favorite girl.

Pregnancy number 3 snuck in, which is how I know 3 is how many we were supposed to have.  I didn’t want to try or not try for a while.  I found out I was pregnant about a month before we were going to do something permanent.  Again, I didn’t want to know if it was a girl or a boy.  Since we had a boy and a girl, the sex didn’t matter.  Maybe we subconsciously knew it was a boy because we didn’t have a solid girls name picked out, but Shane was a for sure.

On most days I think if you ask Aly who my favorite is she would say AJ, I think AJ would say Shane, and I think Shane would say Aly.  On any given day (or moment even) they would be right.  I never tried to be even with my kids.  They didn’t have to get the same number of presents or the same amount of money spent on them.  I hoped to give them what they wanted most and needed.  Aly will always be my favorite girl, AJ will always be my favorite first boy and Shane will always be my favorite baby.  Aly and I are best friends, so there are times when she absolutely is my favorite.  AJ is an old soul and we have many of the same l likes, so there are times he is my favorite.  Shane isn’t afraid to be himself and I admire that, so sometimes he’s my favorite.  My favorite depends on what else is going on in my life and their’s.  They all have been my favorite at different times.  When one has favorite status though, the others are still loved with all my heart!  And when the wind changes, so does my favorite kid.

Day 6… and I digress

It’s a gloomy, rainy day and that kind of fits my mood.  I was hoping it would be a nice day, although I don’t have any plans anyway.  Weather just affects me much more now than it used to.  Contemplating today’s entry- whether to use a prompt or not?  Two things I’m not are religious and political, yet I’ve been thinking about both quite a bit.  Kindness seems to be such a buzz word lately.  I try to be kind and like to think most people do.  It is a very simple concept.  We learn it in preschool.  I’m not sure when we unlearn it, but it seems like many people have and I just don’t get it.

While I’ve voted in every election since I turned 18, I may not vote in this year’s presidential one.  I know it is a right and I’m supposed to do it.  It’s not that I don’t think my vote matters- I’d like to believe it does! The issue is I’m  not confident with either candidate.  Both have said and done things that I can’t justify or support.  But, what’s bothering me most in this election race is how downright mean people are being to each other!  I believe that everyone has a right to his/her own opinion and people can agree to disagree.  I even believe doing so is a sign of intelligence and compassion.

I don’t understand the political system very much anyway.  It seems that the truth can’t really be known by the average person because almost everything that one side says, the other disproves.  And I think people find what they look for, so for everything they believe to be true they are able to back up.  What I don’t understand is how the person on the opposite side can be so sure they are the only side that is right.  They disregard what the other says as true, refuting the evidence.  My problem is that both sides have ‘evidence’ to prove their truth, but it is completely opposite of what the other side says.  This can’t realistically be possible?!?!

While every election seems to have this phenomena, this election seems to be fueled by hatred and anger.   I know brilliant people on both sides of this vote.   It seems that rather than telling me intelligently why they support their candidate, they spend their time telling me why they hate the other one.  In doing so they outright attack the intelligence and morality of the people supporting the rival.  This doesn’t help me make an informed decision.  If anything, it turns me off completely!  The ability to have our thoughts and choose what we believe is a right we are lucky enough to have, and what makes our country great.  Life would be boring if everyone though and believed the same things.  Discoveries wouldn’t be made, art wouldn’t be created, etc;,  if that were the case!  I’ve been surprised at some of my friends who have insulted my other friends, not personally, but in their political rants.  Vote for whomever you want, but can’t we just agree to disagree?

Drinking water

Unneccessary title, right? That’s what I thought too until I read an article that had 10 steps on how to do it!  Seriously, 10 steps.  So I go off the prompt grid with this one in an attempt to be funny (or maybe just sarcastic).  I’m giggling about the fact that someone actually wrote an article on how to correctly drink water!  They even called it ‘an art’!  I don’t think the article is a joke, which makes me laugh harder.

‘First off, sit down to drink (just as you should sit down to eat)”‘ Ok, really?  I mean I get the concept, but what if you’re running, or bike riding, or shopping?  Are you just supposed to sit down wherever you are to take a ‘sip’?  Yes, sip.  Another rule is to ‘sip’ the water, not ‘chug’ it.  Again, I get the concept… as in you’re not fully present if you’re drinking while doing something else, but how ridiculous you’d look if you just sat down on the side walk, or bike path, or middle of the mall to take a sip of water!?!   Sitting down for every sip seems a bit impractical.  And a big gulp when you’re hot and thirsty just hits the spot so perfectly!

#3  ‘Sip water throughout the day. If you chug too much water at once your body doesn’t actually absorb all of it. Most of it will run right through you.’  Ok, this is what I remember learning- people often feel hungry when they’re really just thirsty.  I’ve read that if you’re thirsty, you’re already dehydrated.  This sort of makes sense, until I read #7… ‘Drink when you’re thirsty. Thirst is a natural urge that should be heeded. It means your body needs water.’  Is this in addition to #3?  If you’re sipping water throughout the day, would you ever be thirsty?  Seems contradictory to me.  And do we really need to be told that our body needs water if we’re thirsty?  How dumb are we?

#5 ‘Only sip a small amount of water with your meals. If you drink too much while you eat, your belly won’t have enough room for digestive action. Remember this rule: fill your stomach 50% with food, 25% with water, and leave 25% empty for the digestive juices and process.  #6 For the same reason, don’t drink loads of water before or after your meals. Fill 50% with food, 25% with water, and leave 25% empty.’  How do you measure these percentages?  How much food is 50% of my stomach size?  Is that even what it means? I really don’t understand.

I actually do drink water all day long.  Once I started drinking more water, I pretty much stopped drinking pop, and I was a serious Pepper!  I didn’t intentionally plan on not drinking pop, but it happened gradually, which is probably a good thing.  And amazingly enough I did it without any instructions at all, and I think I’m fine!

Scared?

I’m scared everyday, over a multitude of different things.  But, I try to stay balanced, not let it get the best of me, and with that I think I do a pretty good job- refer to Happy post!

As you know by now, I have 3 kids.  Having kids is scary!  It was scary when they were little because you had to worry about allergies, kidnapping, SIDS- the list goes on!  You’re scared your kid isn’t ‘normal’, whatever the hell that means.  When they won’t sleep or won’t eat you’re scared it will negatively affect them.  When their fever goes over 104 you think they will just combust!  When they don’t learn their alphabet you’re scared something is mentally wrong with them.  As they get older you’re still scared, but just about different things. Of course you can’t say any of it out loud or people will think you’re crazy.  Even though they’re now ‘adults’ I’m scared.  They live on their own and I’m not there to protect them or make things better, there are so many things that could go wrong!  So, I cross my fingers everyday that they will be ok, and so far that strategy has worked!

Alzheimer’s is scary.  I’m scared about the day my mom doesn’t know who I am.     It’s dreadful even in it’s beginning stages.  I’m scared about how I’ll react when my mom can’t function any more.  I understand it most likely will happen.  I’m scared I won’t be a good daughter when it does.  Worse yet, I’m scared I will get the insidious disease!  Every time I forget something (which to be honest is frequently) I’m scared it’s starting.  Realistically I know it isn’t, that I’m just a bit absent minded, or stressed, or simply getting older!  I’m scared about being a burden to my children.  It’s stupid because I don’t feel that my mom is a burden- she’s my mom and I do what needs to be done and I would guess my kids would be the same way.  Plus there are 3 of them to share the burden, but it still makes me scared.

I’ve been without a  full time job, and lost a few through no fault of my own, enough times to be scared about that.  I’m not in the position to not work, so the possibility of not earning money scares me, not only for financial reasons, but because I enjoy working and need to feel useful.   And I’ve never not had a job at all.  I know I am talented, intelligent, and have numerous skills, so it is kind of a silly thing to be scared of!

While we’re often told that what other’s think doesn’t matter, it matters to me.  I’m sometimes scared that I’m not doing enough, whatever that means.  I want to make a difference in people’s lives.  That is a hard thing to measure though, so how does one really know if she’s succeeding?  Life is scary, but it is also amazing.  That’s what I need to remember

Cooper’s Hawk…day 3 off the grid

Yes, Cooper’s Hawk is a restaurant that has a wine club.  Until last night, that’s all I knew it was.   Last night I learned it’s also a bird, which makes sense because the word Hawk is in it, but I didn’t know.  I’m a grammar Nazi, so I always wondered who Cooper was, although not enough to actually do any research.  In any case, learning that it is a type of bird made me want to write about reading, therefore, going off the grid of prompts…

I couldn’t even tell you the name of the current book I’m reading, who wrote it, or what it’s really about.  I just started it a few days ago.  So far I know a girl goes missing and each chapter of the book is a story seen through the eyes of a different, related character.  I couldn’t tell you the title of the book I just finished either, but it was entertaining and I enjoyed it.   I can’t tell you how many times I’ve picked up (or downloaded as the case  may be) a book only to realize I already read it.  Sometimes I realize right away, other times it takes me a chapter or so. This may sound silly, but so it goes with the books I read.

Trying to stay on topic here, which is difficult with the way my mind works! I love to read and while I’m not into the ’empty nest’ thing as  I mentioned yesterday, I do like the fact that I have more time to read.  While my kids were young I only read books on our annual vacation.  There were a few other random times, but it wasn’t something I had time to do regularly.  Now as soon as I finish one, I start another.  I don’t read the classics (although I keep saying I’m going to), I read ‘contemporary fiction’ for the most part.  They are books about things that could really happen to someone like me.  I read them because I can relate, and that makes me feel connected.  Many of them articulate what I’m feeling at any given moment, and that gives me comfort, making me feel like I’m normal.

Back to the topic… my reading selections are far from admirable from an educational standpoint, but in spite of that, there is still stuff to be learned from reading.  I’d say I learn something from every single book I read!  That’s the cool thing, and why reading is so important.  When my kids were young, it was a nice tradition before bed, or any time of day for that matter!  For me, I enjoy reading outside with either wine or coffee, depending on the time of day.  It also is how I wind down at the end of the day, right before I go to sleep.  I enjoy it for so many reasons.   The books I read aren’t important, but the fact that I enjoy it is, and the fact that I can learn something, even from the non-literary books I choose is cool.  So a cooper’s hawk is actually a bird- who knew?

Day 2… a solid week of happiness

I feel like I’m a pretty happy person most of the  time, but when I stopped to think about this prompt, I realized a week of straight happiness is a long time.  There are numerous times in a month, week, day where I’m not specifically happy.  While I can’t pinpoint the actual 7 straight days of happiness recently, I know it was during the month my daughter was visiting.  I think I was happy during that time for more than 7 continuous days!

I’m an ’empty nester’ now and I can honestly say I don’t like it very much.  My kids are 26 (in less than a week), 22 3/4, and 20.5.  For almost 23 straight years I had a kid living at home.  While motherhood is definitely not easy, it was almost always wonderful.  Being a mom has been my greatest joy.  Not only do I love my kids, but I actually like them very much as well.  And I have since the minute they were born.

Anyway, my daughter moved to New Zealand in February of 2015. I did have the amazing opportunity to visit her, but it was a year after she left!  When she came home in June, she had been gone for 16 months!  Now we’re a family who did almost everything together.  We probably ate dinner together at least 4 nights/week- first as 5, then as 4, then as 3, respectively as each child left for college, but the family dinners would (and still do) reoccur when anyone is home.  We all went to each other’s activities as much as was physically possible. So having them leave changed my world immensely.

In any case, she recently came home for a month.  While she didn’t live in the house before she left, this is where she stayed while she was visiting.  On a few glorious occasions, all 3 kids stayed in the house.  As my kids are adults now, these moments are few and far between, but I know they bring me more happiness than anything else.  It wasn’t just that they were home that made me happy.  We did lots of fun things together.  We surprised my daughter 3 different times when she arrived home, went to Minnesota for a very mini family vacation, my middle son graduated from college, we had a big party… In addition to big things, there were small things:  my daughter’s boyfriend was here, we went to a brewery, we cooked together, we shopped together, we watched tv, we just hung out, 2 of them fought about the car usage.  We spent time together in different variations of us.  It was wonderful- every single second!  In addition to the fun times together, I enjoyed watching them interact and be siblings.  I’m an only child, so I don’t have any experience in the sibling realm.  I just love seeing them together.  It’s so fun to observe!  It also reminds me how lucky I am to have kids who care so much about each other and enjoy hanging out with one another.  While I think that’s how family should be, I realize it isn’t that way always, but it definitely made me happy!

 

Please don’t notice

So my friend Lois invited me to this 10 day tune up- 500 words/day challenge.  I’m going to try and I’m going to start by using their prompts…

I’m hoping that my mom doesn’t notice how much I hate nursing homes.  She has lived in one for about 4 years.  Before that she lived in an assisted living apartment, which we affectionately called the ‘grandma dorm’.  It was a wonderful place.  Getting the call that I’d have to move her to a ‘place with more assistance’ was an awful day.

Anyway, we picked the place together and it seemed ok.  What I didn’t know was how sad it would make me every time I visited.  It doesn’t really even have anything to do with my mom, because she is truly happy there!  At first I didn’t realize how final a nursing home is.  My mom will not ‘get out’.  The people there know that, and in spite of the activities, events, decorations, etc., it’s a ‘final place’.

Every time she sees me she is so happy I came to visit.  There are many nice places to sit and chat including a nice outside patio.  This is where I try to bring her when the weather cooperates!  We have nice (although repetitive) conversations.  She shows me things and tells me about stuff.  Being there is hard for me though, and I really hope she doesn’t notice.  It bothers her that she can’t remember things. She thinks she’s a pain, and feels bad about troubling me.  She’s my mom and she isn’t a bother, it’s just the way things are.  I try to explain it to her without getting frustrated.

I often bring things for us to eat together, which she loves.  It’s an enjoyable way to spend time together and gives us something to do and talk about in and of itself.  But, it makes me sad.  Going makes me sad, being there makes me sad, and leaving makes me sad.  I like seeing my mom, and seeing that she’s happy.  I’m actually learning things I didn’t know because what she remembers is random, and often things there was no reason to talk about before!

There are actually a number of things I hope nobody notices, but by writing about them, I’m bringing attention to something I hope nobody notices, which seems counter productive?  My mom won’t read this – reading is one of the skills I’m not sure she has anymore, so it is a safe place to mention it. I hope she doesn’t notice because she would feel bad.  She often feels bad anyway, so this isn’t something I’d want her to feel bad about!  And I feel bad about the fact that I don’t enjoy going to the nursing home.  It’s a dichotomy because I want to visit her, but being there, in that atmosphere, makes me sad.  That’s not entirely true… visiting with her is enjoyable and making her happy is wonderful- it’s the coming and going that I actually don’t like, and that’s what I hope she doesn’t notice.

 

Alzheimer’s Blows

I’ve mentioned before how awful Alzheimer’s is, but today I feel the need to elaborate.  I’ve written funny/frustrating posts about dealing with my mom’s Alzheimer’s, but today I’m going to write about the sadness involved.  I try to keep my sense of humor, but sometimes it’s just hard.  Today is one of those days.  If someone had seen me with my mom today, they would’ve thought we were having a nice day together, which we were.  However, there is so much that can’t be seen from afar.  First let me say that I do not mean to complain, I just want to help people understand what it’s like to deal with someone with moderate Alzheimer’s.  The hard part is that if people had seen me today with my mom, they would’ve seen a mom in a wheelchair with oxygen (minor inconvenience, but very doable) and her daughter getting a pedicure and eating froyo.  And, that is what was happening on the surface, and it was very nice.

What people don’t know is that my mom is barefoot because the flip-flops I bought her hurt between her toes.  This is at least the 4th pair of purchased (I’ve learned to buy the $1 ones at Walmart) because she always sees me wearing them and tells me how she loves them and wants a pair.  Trying to be a good daughter, I get them for her.  Since we were getting a pedicure, they seemed like the perfect shoe choice, until she was getting out of the car and said she couldn’t wear them because they hurt.  Of course I didn’t bring her other shoes.  Luckily we were just going to the nail salon, so she went barefoot.  Ineveitably she asks me to give them away….

They also don’t know that she gets mad at me for not telling her things, even though I’ve told her the same things for the last 4 months.  She asks about the same people every single week.  When I say that she saw them the last time I saw them because we were together, she gets frustrated, as do I.   She asks about my job, and what I do (I’ve been a paralegal for 4ish years now).  She confirms that I don’t have the studio any more (it’s been 8 years), but that I still teach (I took her to the recital a month ago).  She sometimes remembers that Aly lives in New Zealand, but never remembers why (she’s been dating her boyfriend for over 3 years and he’s from there and can’t work here till they’re married)- there are times she thinks she’s living in Oklahoma?  She doesn’t remember what the boys are doing, and can’t comprehend that AJ is a stand up comedian, even though he’s been doing it for 7 years now, I’ve shown her videos, and she’s seen him perform, including at her assisted living facility.  She can’t remember what job Shane is doing for the summer, even though it’s the same job he had last summer, or where he goes to college- he’s going to be a junior.  She asks if I see my Uncle Don, and I have to go over that he died last year and I went to the Memorial in September.  We go through all of this every time I see her.

Yes she’s missing her top teeth and it makes her self conscious.  Nobody knows what happened to them and it’s been 3 months.  Supposedly she should  have them soon.  It’s another thing we talk about every time I’m there.  Not knowing what happened to them is frustrating, as is the fact that the process to get a replacement is so incredibly long!  She tells me the dentist took them, they tell me she lost them.  I have no idea what happened.

She says she can’t remember how to get in the car because she never goes anywhere, although I try to take her out once a month.  It’s getting harder and harder because she almost can’t get in my car, and it exhausts her, and then she’s frustrated.  She also has to go to the bathroom about 3 times per hour, which isn’t conducive to going anywhere, not to mention that she can’t get there by herself.  She complains about not going outside, although all she has to do is ask, if someone does the elevator code she could go herself, and I try to take her outside every time I’m there.  Again, much easier said than done because it’s usually too windy, too hot, too cold, or whatever and shortly after we’re out she wants to go in.

She says she misses eating (insert whatever here) although I bring something fun to eat almost every time I go.  And the entire time we’re eating said food she says, “Yum Yum” about 48 times in a 20 minute time span.  Then the next time week I’m there she says she hasn’t had whatever I had just brought in so long.

Am I lucky I still have my mom- absolutely!! Do we have a nice time together- absolutely!  Do we look like an average mom/daughter-absolutley!  Does Alzheimer’s blow-absolutely!